Regina Yoder <firstname.lastname@example.org>
to: Grace <email@example.com>
October 29,2014 02:35 a.m.
Once again I can’t sleep and my mind is processing non-stop, so here I am. You can count your blessings that I know how to type so that I can unload to you in an email instead of calling you in the middle of the night. I hope you don’t get tired of my emails; I’m so grateful for the safe place that our friendship has become. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Just knowing you’re available with your listening ear means so much to me.
Yesterday a dear friend did something that hurt me and left me feeling mistreated, worthless, and taken advantage of. I don’t know if they realized how much their actions hurt me or not, because I didn’t tell them. I’m not sure why I didn’t feel free to express my hurt, but I couldn’t. When it first happened, I went to Jesus with my hurt and poured out my heart to Him, but then I started thinking about the way I was treated……over and over again. When I focused on those very painful feelings, my mind went right back to the pattern I used to be in when I used porn to numb the pain in my heart; and I was tempted. I was surprised by the temptation because it hasn’t been there in so long. When I was delivered from that back in March, the freedom was indescribable. For the first time since I was very young, I didn’t battle the temptation because the need to feel numb was gone. That’s huge! To have effortless victory is incredible! I became very intent on discovering how I could so instantaneously be freed from something that had bound me for so long. It wasn’t even about self-control; it was much more significant than that. The pull was completely gone. Why? How?
When I really reflected on what happened in that counseling office on that incredible day of deliverance, I realized that the change was brought about because I understood, for the first time, God’s Amazing Grace. God grace is Crazy-Amazing! I don’t know how else to put it, because “crazy”, by itself, isn’t right, and “amazing” , by itself, isn’t enough. When I experienced His grace that day, felt His arms around me, and understood the depths of His love for me, then the desire for the world’s form of pleasure seemed disgusting in comparison. There was no need for it. That was, until yesterday…..when I found myself focusing on the hurt in my heart instead of focusing on the arms that held me. I’m disappointed in myself. I should know by now that there is no comparison to the incredible comfort, peace, and joy that I can find in Jesus’ arms, and yet I turned away from Him. And I wept. I cried, because in giving into temptation, even momentarily, there was a deep sadness in my heart. A sort of separation that I’m all too familiar with. But this time there was something different about the scenario. Grace. Actually, it’s always been there, available to me. I just didn’t realize it. I didn’t understand it. But I do now, and it’s crazy-amazing. I should rewrite the song and entitle it “Crazy-Amazing Grace”. I wonder how that would go over.
Because of grace, I could immediately turn right back around and get wrapped up in Jesus’ embrace as I poured out my heart in repentance, pain, grief, hurt….everything. He listened to it all. And He holds me so tenderly, in spite of my sin. That’s amazing grace right there. Crazy-Amazing Grace. Mmmmmm. Jesus, with perfect intuition and knowledge of my desires, meets my every heart need in such creative ways. I KNOW I can trust Him with my heart and I never want to look to anything or anyone else to fulfill my desires. I hate to even bring up this subject, but I know that my propensity to go to food for comfort needs to be worked on too. I want so badly to just instinctively go to Jesus for whatever my heart needs, instead of grabbing a bag of potato chips. He has promised that when I delight myself in Him, He will give me the desires of my heart, and it’s so true. He really does. I love the way He loves me. So perfectly.
The interesting thing is that when I look at the event that caused so much pain earlier, there is peace in it. It doesn’t make my heart knot up inside; there is only joy- because of the arms that hold me. That’s Crazy-Amazing Grace. I love it.
And I love you too. You know that, right?
I’m going to go back to bed now and try to get some sleep before the pile of awaiting laundry greets me in the morning.
Have a crazy-amazing, God-blessed day,
to: Regina <firstname.lastname@example.org>
October 29, 8:00
You’re so right, sweet friend. God’s grace is crazy amazing! I love watching you discover it. It makes me so sad to think about the millions of people who go through life without ever knowing that it’s available to them. I’m glad that you found peace from the pain you were feeling. I hate to see you hurting. God is so good, and I say with you, Mmmmmmm. ;
I love that verse about Jesus meeting the desires of our hearts when we delight in Him. I have found that to be so true too. It’s all about keeping our eyes on Him.
I like your idea of writing a song entitled “Crazy Amazing Grace” but I think you should write it about me. What do you think? Actually, a more fitting title for my song would just be “Crazy Grace” but that just doesn’t have the same ring to it. We’d better just leave that one alone.
Sorry this reply is so short, but I’ve got to get to work. I’m already running behind. I’ve got some more things I want to share with you, but it can wait until tomorrow. We’re still on for lunch at Roselen’s right? I’ve got it on my calendar.
I love you dearly,
Grace a.k.a “crazy-amazing Grace”